the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
