his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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