Apparently you make a good broom.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
