apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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