I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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