we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
