I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
