I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
