Joe is yelling at the trees again.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
