She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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