Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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