Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
