my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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