she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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