mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
