Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
