Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
