Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
