I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
