I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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