so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
