I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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