The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
