He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
