my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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