Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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