I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i came on her dog
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
