Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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