New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
