One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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