I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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