My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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