So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
