We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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