I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
