I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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