My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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