Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
