just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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