had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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