OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
