i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
