so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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