I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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