Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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