I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
