I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
