the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
