He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
