Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
